The yamim noraim are upon us, surely a time for honesty and candor. So let me start by stating truthfully that I find selichos mind-numbingly unbearable.

Selichos is as inspiring for me as a communal reading of Beowulf, which is approximately what it is. When I used to daven in yeshiva and most people were making imploring hand motions and screwing up their faces in a manner that suggested they knew something I didn't know, I was half bemused and half wondering if I had missed the class where the rebbi had explained what was actually up with those selichos. Now I daven in a nice balbatish minyan where selichos are read at a pace that would render the phone book incomprehensible, let alone medieval crossword puzzles. No time for imploring, there's barely time to inhale. I suppose I'm making progress.

Having studied the matter, I pretty much have come to grips with the basic selichos pattern which goes something like this: The Riboino Shel Oilam (RSO) is Great; we are bad; we are now going to spend the better part of an hour pushing the RSO around: forget our sins, remember the heilige avos, don't forget us when we're old, listen to our tefillos, don't nitpick or we're toast, do this, don't do that, vekhulei vekhulei.

Now, IF -- and I admit this is a big IF -- but IF I were the RSO, I'd find the flattery just a wee bit patronizing, and the "we are nothing" business more than a tad disingenuous (oikh mir a gornisht, I'd say) and all that weedling and nudging and demanding, well, I'd be tempted to treat such nudniks pretty much the way the RSO has treated us for the past few thousand years.

So, upon reflection, I guess it's a good thing for all of us that I'm not the RSO. But just in case I'm onto something, here is my solemn brachah for this year:

May this be a year in which we all have the luxury to set aside chayei sha'ah in favor of chayei olam. Shana tova.