Sunday, March 05, 2006

I just got back from almost two weeks in the States, most of which was spent in one of those sprawling suburbs north of Miami. I just don't get why anybody would want to live in places where nobody walks on the street because there's no place you can walk to and nothing to see on the way. It sort of reminded me of Los Angeles just without the film industry to make it even slightly distinctive. OK, so it was about 50 degrees warmer than New York.

Apart from being professionally productive, the visit did inspire a thought. Rabbinical schools should be abolished. Instead all potential Rabbis should learn only the following:

1. When a guest introduces himself to you, ask him where he's from, what has brought him to your town and if he has somewhere to eat. (Here's where my train of thought began...)
2. When people come to you with problems, listen and empathize. If anybody is too sick, weak or helpless to come to you, go to them.
3. Sermons: Start with a joke. Quote Rashi. Don't quote the New York Times. Over-enunciating (especially the long o) sounds pompous. Seven minutes tops.
4. Shailos:
shabbos -- look it up in SSK (1st ed.);
kashrus -- milchig with milchig or fleishig with fleishig - ok, milchig with fleishig - bad;
nidah -- reddish on white and bigger than a penny - bad; missed the first or seventh day bedikah - bad, middle days - ok.
pesach -- microwave soapy water until it boils and spills over;
aveilus -- during shiva, it's probably assur; after that just wing it, nobody has a clue;
mamzeirus -- pick up the phone at once.

I don't care if you know Siman Kuf Yud in Yoreh Deah by heart with all the nosei keilim. If you can't manage the above, find a different profession.


Anonymous Dave said...

Any rules for Israeli rabbis?

2:30 PM  
Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der ┼íteg) said...

shabbos -- look it up in SSK (1st ed.)

Thanks for specifying the 1st edition! ;-)

10:58 PM  
Blogger bar_kochba132 said...

Having made aliyah from Los Angeles, I know exactly what you mean, however as a space exploration freak I must admit that Southern California has the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, and the Mt Wilson and Mt Palomar Observatories. Those interest me more than Hollwood!

12:14 AM  
Blogger MoChassid said...

They learn the over-enunciation in homeletics class at YU. It's part of the curriculum.

And, topically, as my Rebbe likes to say, it's easier to tell American Yiddin that Hamas is bad than to tell them what's in the parshah.

3:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

See, this is what happens when one isn't plugged-into the frum community in South Florida. Here I am, living in Boca Raton, and could've (would've) hosted you for a Shalosh Seuda (or at least a hearty "L'Chayim!").

More's the pity.

3:15 PM  
Blogger the sabra said...


5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is worse about the later editions of SSK?

1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious! But completely true as well. Should be required intro for every Semichah. In fact, should be required Tefilah ketzarah before leaving the house every day.

4:02 AM  

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