I rarely watch the news on TV. In any case, the news of late has been numbingly and depressingly repetitive. Katyushas landed causing casualties, the air force struck targets, ground forces suffered casualties, some politician said something or other. Like in Groundhog Day, we seem to be doomed to live the same day over and over again until we get it right.

And yet in the midst of this high drama, there is a tiny bit of comic relief. Every day there is a new "envoy" who has come to bring good tidings from "the world". The world believes that we must "give peace a chance". What is needed is diplomacy, restraint and hundreds of other duplicitous words pulled straight out of some Orwellian thesaurus. Like most people, I used to watch these guys and start muttering something like, "Who the f%$# does that Nazi scumbag think he is to give us morality lessons bla bla bla".

I finally caught on that this is the wrong approach. The last thing these guys expect is to have their little soliloquies taken seriously. They're just character actors, on what they think is a sitcom, doing their shtick.

With this in mind, have another look at that French Minister of Self-Righteousness, just blown in for cocktails with Shimon Peres, as he holds court on the Evening News. Ignore the words (easy for me since, unlike my cultured friends, I don't speak a word of French). Think Kramer barging through Jerry's door in a mad fit over some bit of inanity. It's intended to be amusing. "The French Republique (pregnant pause, look to the right, look to the left), bleh bleh bleh Violance! bleh bleh bleh Securite! bleh bleh bleh Egalitaire! (double pregnant pause, self-satisfied smile, imagines wild applause on the laugh track)." The French are not even trying to do politics; they're just letting the world know that they're still doing business with Upper Case Nouns.

The German envoy character is always the most congenial of the bit players to pass through our little drama. Hans will always be seen yukking it up with "my good friend Shimon", in a relentless display of cheery good fellowship. Ignore the words. Here's the subtext: "We're getting on just fabulously here with Shimon and the other Juden, so we can assume that all that, um, unpleasantness is behind us, yah? Shtimmt. So here's what we were thinking you ought to do now..." Jawohl.

The English chap is despairing of ever securing the Middle East on behalf of Her Majesty. But he will explain to the natives yet again -- with the exasperated look of a schoolmaster teaching declensions to the sons of coalminers -- that their own interests would be best served if only they would listen to the voice of reason bla bla bla bla.

The beauty of the EU and the UN is that they ensure that the world stage isn't hogged by recently-decayed empires. Long-ago-decayed empires and never-will-be empires also get to do a soliloquy from time time. The EU always sends us some guy from a place where the last major cultural event was an auto-de-fe. His role is to bring pride to the bullfighters and cork-growers back home by swaggering as if he comes from a real country. The UN sends us a Scandinavian whose role is to absolutely never lose his cool even if he has to clench his teeth every time he mentions Israel's name. And, finally, the ultimate cameo role always goes to Kofi Annan, who does that passive-aggressive thing even better than the Brits in one of whose colonies he was born. In short, his role is to be the only guy even whiter than the Scandinavian.

So, like I say, whenever one of these characters turns up on your TV screen, just kick off your shoes and imagine you're watching a rerun of Hogan's Heroes. It'll add years to your life.